Ever Have a Crisis of Self-Worth? Me Too.

I've had the topic of this post floating around in my head for a few days now, keeping me up at night reaching for my iPhone so I can surreptitiously record voice memos of ideas or directions to take it in.  Did I want it to be funny so that the heavy tone is somewhat lightened?  Did I want to write it in the third person to give myself a little distance from something that would otherwise leave me feeling vulnerable and, therefore, uncomfortable?  Or how about having it be just a stream-of-consciousness thing -- since this makes absolutely no sense in my head, why should it make any sense when its out of my head, right?

This goes on and on until I'm making myself fucking crazy because it's all still there except I don't know how to give it voice.  Then, on Friday morning (and aren't Friday's the best?), an amazing realization: I need to just let all of that wondering and worrying and self-editing go, and just lay it out there, because that's what I do.  I share things with you through this blog, even though it makes me seem like an insane, insecure person.  Because maybe that's how we connect.  You know?

And then it all came full circle once I thought about it, since the topic I wanted to write about was my need to be perfect, to get approval from others, to find value in myself only if they found value in me too.  I can't pinpoint ever being taught these things, except maybe in a Pavolvian dog sort of way.

You know:
Listen to teacher = get praised
Do what you're told = get good grades
Get good grades = get even more praise
Get into college = make everyone proud
Get into law school = be exceptional
Get a good job = make people prouder still
Do whatever your boss says = get more and more praise

In this sort of way, the system totally works for me.  I've been a fantastic student, a good daughter, a stellar employee.  But in maybe the more important ways, the system has totally failed me.  Because I'll be all of these things and do all of these things at the expense of myself, and my self-esteem.  I've wrapped my self-worth up so completely in what others think of me -- she's at the top of her class; she got straight A's; she's on the Dean's List again; she received a full scholarship; she's so detail-oriented; she's so great at this job -- that when I'm left to my own defenses, I end up lost.

I run myself into the ground in jobs I hate because I know they're the jobs I'm good at, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint my bosses or try things I've never tried before.  I stick to Plan A because it's a sure-thing, a safe, secure path that leads to Success, even after catching a glimpse of Plans B, C and D and recognizing that that's where I want to be instead.  You know, in some ideal world.  I don't take risks because, God, what if I fail?  What would everyone think?  Who would I even be if I didn't succeed at the things I tried to do?

I'm afraid to be wrong because I don't want people to think I'm incapable or incompetent (I shudder.  Seriously, I shudder).  I'm afraid to be creative because there are no rules or guidelines, nothing to let me know I'm Doing It Right.  I'm afraid to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, be the wrong way.  I don't take chances because it inherently means there's a chance things will go badly.

And I've been rewarded, for the most part, for being this way, so why change it now?

Well, that's simple, really: because no one should live their entire lives based on what others think or want or value.  And because we're human, so being perfect is impossible.

At least, this is what I'm telling myself.  I'm taking the next month or so to really examine this part of myself, to work on figuring out what it is I want, rather than what I think everyone else wants of/for me.  I need to set up systems, healthy systems, to help me break old habits and come up with new ones.  I need to put those into practice.  I need to spend some time on self-care, even though I think it's a bit woo-woo.  I need to find my own damn worth, sans everybody else.

And I would love any resources or suggestions you may have on getting this all done.

Okay, that's all the soul-baring I can do for now.

Who I Should and Shouldn't Be

There's a girl woman in my life that I've been comparing myself to lately/again.  There's a lot of things that go into the backstory of why, but in essence I think it's because she's maybe what I hoped I'd be at this point in my life.  And I'm not.

She's feminine and soft and emotional and compassionate.  She drinks tea and does yoga and goes on meditation retreats and gardens.  She's folksy meets bohemian meets hipster.  She writes poetry and reads books about natural health and foods.  She loves to cook and she teaches and she has this personality that just screams, "Let me nurture you!"

She was ready, at a whole year younger than I am now, to get married and have her first child.

And I've been struggling with these comparisons.  Because I'm not sure I'm any of those things, but I think I should be.  I think, for some reason -- even though I know better -- that as a woman, those are the things I should be.

Instead, I'm not overly feminine, I'm rough around the edges, I struggle to allow myself to actually feel my emotions, and I worry that this well of compassion I used to see in myself has somehow been exhausted.  I hate tea because it has no flavor.  I can't bring myself to rest or quiet enough to practice yoga or to meditate.  And I've been trying to think of ways to kill my garden lately because of all the zucchini.  I don't know what my style is, I can't write poetry to save my life anymore, and I read romance novels instead of books on alternative health.  I think making an egg salad sandwich is a totally legit form of "cooking," and I'm not sure I have the patience or empathy to be nurturing.

But I recognize two things here: 1) None of these things are forever.  They can always be changed.  I can be whoever I want to be.  And 2) I've been concentrating so much on the ways that I find myself lacking lately, and this too is something I have the power to change.

They talk about self-love a lot over at Stratejoy, and one of big things mentioned is that self-love is a practice.  It's not something you decide to do one day and, BOOM!, all of sudden you wanna spend all day kissing yourself.  Self-love is something you work at.  It's the daily mantra reminding yourself that, "You are Enough."  It's the time taken out of a busy schedule to sit somewhere quiet and breathe.  It's the run through the woods in the early morning, or the bubble bath at the end of a long day.  It's the journal entry that helps to clear the mind, or the piece of chocolate before bed.  It's growing in the knowledge that being and loving yourself is the first step toward authentically showing up in your life.

See?  I know all these things.  I'm not a dumb person.  But the practice of it is so much easier said than done.  Still, I'm going to give it a go.  I'm going to try my hand at the things I've wanted to do but have never really given a fair shot, even though I beat myself up for not doing it them -- vicious, vicious cycle.  Things like yoga, and maybe meditation.  Natural health.  Allowing myself to feel my emotions as they come, rather than keeping them in to "deal" with them later.  Being vulnerable (one of the values I identified while working through the Joy Equation).  Trying to find the joy in cooking, because I know it must be in there somewhere.

And I'm going to try to tell myself that, regardless of whether those things become habits, who I am is okay.  I'm going to try to tell myself that the only person I should be is whoever I feel like being at a particular moment. 

I'm really going to try to stop comparing myself to others.


[Photo source: http://imgfave.com/view/732546]

[Unemployed Life]: The Truth Comes Out Eventually

While I know I've mentioned it a few times before, I don't really talk too much about being unemployed on this blog.  If you trace your way through the archives, I'm sure you'll find the word unemployed said in passing on more than one occasion, but you won't find the full story behind that word.  I started this version of this blog months after I quit my previous job, so many of you probably don't even know the story behind the full story.  I think I've been quiet about it for a few reasons: embarrassment, and a desire not to pollute this blog with negativity.

But here's the thing: I'm not really all that embarrassed, and this experience has been almost anything but a negative one.

So I've decided to break my semi-silence and be as honest as I can about this whole unemployment biz.

I guess that starts with giving you the full story.

Three years ago, I graduated from law school with a JD I didn't really want to use, an upcoming bar exam that I didn't really want to take, and no idea where I really wanted to go from there.  I took the bar, didn't pass, and spiraled into my quarterlife crisis.

Nate and I had just gotten our own apartment and adopted the cutest dog on planet earth, and the expenses were rolling in while I was rolling in uncertainty.  I began looking for work and applying for anything I could find in the immediate area.  That was my first mistake.  Eventually, three months into freaking-the-fuck-out, I got an interview at a nonprofit that would hire me to do a job I was completely overqualified for and pay me a fraction of what my JD is actually worth.  Despite feelings of unease and reservation, I took the job.  That was my second mistake -- not trusting my gut/guide/inner-smarty-pants.

I spent a year and a half there (my third and final mistake), working for someone who, while a great visionary man, wasn't the best at managing a staff.  I was good at what I did, I didn't shirk my responsibilities, and I always kept a positive and professional attitude in the office.  But I was also overworked, under-compensated, held to near-impossible expectations and just plain old unhappy.  I'd cry before work in the morning.  I'd try to figure out ways to contract non-fatal diseases so I could get out of work trips.  I'd take my work home, on vacation, and out to dinner with me.  I was unable to separate it, to compartmentalize this now-toxic part of my life.  So much of this was, I now realize, on me and not the job or my boss.  But it still needed to change.

My self-esteem was shot.  My mood was in the dumps.  My relationship with Nate began to suffer.  I was anxiety-ridden.  I felt like there was no way out.  I knew this feeling.  I'd been there -- for other reasons -- before.  I was depressed.

So I got out. 

I cried when I told my boss I was quitting.  The conflicting emotions -- guilt, relief, terror, uncertainty -- it was all too much.  After all, I was giving up a steady paycheck in the middle of a recession -- who knew when I would get hired again?  Nate and I had talked, and my quitting meant we needed to leave the apartment we loved and move in with his mother.  We just couldn't afford our place on one salary.  So while I knew I was making the right choice for me, for my health and hopefully for some future career I couldn't yet see -- I felt like I was failing him.

But once we were resettled, once things quieted down and I was far enough away from the bad choices I had made once upon a time...things began looking up.  And when I say they looked up, I mean they looked WAY UP.

I took an internship at an organization that worked in one of my passion areas (it was unpaid, which just goes to show you how much I wanted it).  I started taking some long, hard looks at my health.  I re-prioritized my relationship with Nate.  I made new friends that are so freaking supportive of my dreams that I wonder how I got by without them.  I learned that there are places out there that really do respect the work/life balance.  I began recognizing other passion areas, and taking steps to explore them, you know, just to see.  I found my back-bone, my hard limits and my desire to just be happy.

For now, I take work opportunities -- as a project manager, as a legal researcher, as a writing/editing consultant -- as they come, and on a case-by-case basis.  Being with a partner who supports me both financially and emotionally gives me the luxury of doing this, of holding out and searching long and hard for the type of work that will light me up.  It gives me the luxury of looking at opportunities and asking: Does this work have anything to do with my Big Dreams?  How will it effect other areas of my life?  Will it build skills that I need to work toward my Big Dreams?  If not, then do I need the money enough to settle? 

So when I say that unemployment is not embarrassing, and when I say that it hasn't been all that negative of an experience, that isn't to say that it hasn't been a struggle.  It has.  It is.  All growing experiences are a struggle.

I'm going to continue sharing this particular growing experience with you as part of a new series on this blog called, Unemployed Life.  It'll be the good, the bad and the practical of my attempts at finding work that fits into my life while still managing to live my life in a positive way.

No more hiding.

A Look Back on Intentions

I've been thinking a lot lately about how far I've come in the past year or so.  I've decided to re-start Stratejoy's Joy Juice journal prompts from the beginning and, one of the first questions I'm journaling about asks me to examine the ways in which I'm spending my time.  I already know that the answer to this question is so telling -- how we choose/agree to spend our time says so much about our intentions in our lives and our commitments.  Do we choose to work 24/7, perhaps because we intend to have a very comfortable lifestyle that requires wealth and privilege?  Do we choose to surround ourselves with the great outdoors, maybe because we intend to live as organically and in-tune with the natural world as we can?  There are so many variations of these answers, each as revealing as the next.

A year ago, I was drowning.  I was drowning in my own lack of self-worth, my need for approval, my fear of disappointing the people I cared about.  I was desperate for something, anything, that would get me out of the situation I found myself in and, though I knew it, I was too afraid to act on the fact that all I needed was some courage.  I was spending my time doing something that made a toxic mess of my days.  I was zoning out on TV whenever I could just so I could sit and stare off into space and not have to actively participate in my own life.  I was pulling away from people, going inward, and wondering how I got there in the first place.

When I go back to those first Joy Juice prompts from a year ago, my intention was clear: I intended to suffer through every hour as the responsible, stable, dutiful girlfriend/daughter/sister/employee rather than step up and take charge of my life.

This is one of the reasons I love Stratejoy so much.  Because at the near-lowest I thought I could go, this positive corner of the internet helped me to realize that I wasn't alone, that this wasn't a new feeling, that other young women were experiencing exactly what I was experiencing, and they were making changes.  I realized that it was possible to change without my family, my relationship, my reputation, the world falling apart all around me.

Fast-forward to today.  I can barely think of a single toxic thing in my life right now.  True, I don't have a job, but my days are filled with so much, and that so much is so right, that I find it hard to complain sometimes.  I've found a passion I didn't know I had, made wonderful new friends when I thought I had no idea how to even make friends, and I'm exploring creativity in ways I've always wanted to.  I'm concentrating on my health -- all aspects of it -- and I'm giving attention to Nate and the community we've built together.  What's even better is seeing how my choices have changed, how the primary questions I ask myself now when faced with difficult decisions (like whether or not to apply for a job or take an unpaid internship or invest my time and energy into something) aren't, "How will this look?  What will so-and-so think of me?" but rather, "Is this right for me?  Is this who I am or want to be?  Will this make me happy?"

My intention in this new year was to live a fearlessly authentic life, and I think I'm living up to that well so far.

But I think there's an even greater lesson I've learned from this year of change and reacquainting myself with authenticity, and that's to accept where I've been.  I was ashamed for a long time about the person I was and the choices I made in the past few years.  I thought it showed how weak or flighty or foolish or stubborn (yes, I realize flighty and stubborn are somewhat contradictory) I was.  But I'm just not sure I think that anymore.  Without those moments, those choices, would I have ever gotten to where I am now?  Would I be moving in the right direction today if I hadn't gotten so turned around back then?  Who can really say?

Isn't it just better to acknowledge -- and maybe even celebrate -- the path that lead you to where you are?  Who are we to question the universe?


[Photo source: quote from http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/]

A Theme for 2012

For the past few weeks, I've been working on coming up with a theme for 2012.   After a lot of stops and starts, I think I've finally settled on one I love and one that I think pretty much speaks to everything I want my new year to be (or that I want to be in this new year):

Fearless and Authentic.  Fearlessly Authentic.  Fearlessness and Authenticity.  Has a nice ring to it, huh?  I think so.  So what does this mean for me?  Let's take this apart a little bit:

Fearless: When I say I want to be fearless in 2012, I'm actually being very literal and very serious.  I've often felt like, in the past four years (yes, FOUR YEARS), I've made a lot of my decisions based on fear whether I've realized it or not.  I have a deep fear of being financially insecure, and that fear served as a pretty deep root in my desire to go to law school.  I was also afraid of what others would think if I dropped out of law school.  Would my parents be disappointed?  Would people think I just couldn't hack it?  So I kept going.  For a long time now, I've been afraid of the unknown too.  How is my life going to turn out?  Screw that, how is my choice of what to have for dinner going to turn out?!  I'd like to do xyz, but what if that's the wrong choice?  What if I'm wasting time?  What if it doesn't pan out?  What if, what if, what if, fear, fear, fear.

You get the picture, right?

So this is the year I'm dedicating to being fearless.  To taking the plunge.  To "giving it a try" and going where the road leads me (in some respects).  And this is not just a grand gesture sort of thing either.  I'm finding it very useful in the day-to-day of my job hunt too, or in just how I relate to others -- I'm putting myself out there more.  Or, trying to at least.  This is a work in progress.

Authentic: This ties pretty closely to my goal to be fearless in 2012, but it has more of a focus on also being true to what I want and who I am.  It tempers the fearlessness a little bit (because it'll stop me from packing up my shit and moving to Vegas, which is fearless but totally not me), and at the same time it pushes me forward too (because although I may be really afraid to do xyz, if it's something that hits that spark of "Yes, that's Kahea!" inside me, than it's something truly worth pursuing, you know?).  And my desire to practice more authenticity also stems from the realization I've been coming to this past year, that I make a lot of my decisions based on what others think or say, or the way I feel I'm going to be judged or perceived, or what I consider to be smart, safe, secure choices.

These aren't necessarily bad things, but I just know I wasn't always like that.  I was never careless, but I listened to myself more.  I was more authentic.  And I know that I used to be happier.  Ergo, perhaps if I find the way back to being more Me, I'll find that same well of happiness and breathlessness for life that I used to feel.

Really, when you boil it down, 2012 is the year I'm dedicating to finding my way back to Me.  And I think that's a pretty noble goal.

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I'm currently working to figure out The Mystery of the Disappearing Comment Link.  Until then, if you'd like to comment on this post, just click on the post title.  It'll take you to the posts' individual page and you can comment at the bottom.

About that Thankfulness Thing...

It's never been easy for me to practice gratitude.  I'm not sure if I'm a "glass half empty" sort of person, but even when I recognize that my glass may in fact be half full, I've never really been one to express my thankfulness about that.  It sort of just is.

That doesn't mean I don't say thank you regularly.  From check-out girl at the grocery store to friends who buy me concert tickets when they know I'm completely broke, I will definitely tell them how awesome I think they are.  But I feel like those are the really obvious times, the times its easy to understand that you should be grateful, that you should recognize that the universe is being kind and that this person is making your life that much better or easier.  That you should say thank you out loud for their help, their support, their generosity, and for just not being an asshole when that may actually have been simpler.

So for those times, I've got it.  Grateful.  Check.

But it's more about the everyday, the mundane things that happen, the small, quiet times that slide in between those chaotic moments in my life.  That's when it's so much more likely that I'll brush over them, not even seeing them for what they are.  I'm talking about the way my favorite jeans fit me, the way I feel so much more light-hearted after talking to a friend (even when we were just making small talk), the way my mom's voice makes a bad day more manageable instantaneously, the way losing myself in a good book (even when it's a cheesy romance novel) for the entire day is sometimes the best feeling ever, or the way texting my sisters makes me feel connected to them -- and my family, and myself -- when we're all so far apart, and the way Nate will wake up at 5:30am to go and watch me run a race in the cold and the wet.

These are the things I'm rarely openly grateful for, even when they're the things that make my life that much richer.  I don't know why this is or when I became things way.  I think it's the emotion, and the embarrassment emotion sometimes causes me.  Is that weird?  To shy away from emotion so much?  To feel awkward expressing love and gratitude?  To not even know I should be feeling love and gratitude?  Stratejoy has this great journaling program called Joy Juice, which sends you a journal prompt every few days that encourages self-reflection and growth.  At the end of each month, there will be a prompt which asks you to think about what you're grateful for about your day, your life, yourself.  This has traditionally been the prompt I've skipped because I either couldn't think of anything, didn't want to think of anything, or just didn't want to delve into the reasons why.

But I've come to see how important this is, and how it not only betters my life and gives me a much more positive outlook on things, but it also has the power to better the lives of those I express my gratitude to.  After all, wouldn't it make you feel better to know that you're appreciated, that something you did made someones day brighter?  Except that I'm not sure I'm ready yet to openly say all the time how thankful I am for every little thing.  Years of tempering those feelings is a hard habit to break.  So, baby steps, right?  I think it's enough that I'm starting to take note.  Then I'll go from there. 

I downloaded a daily journal app for my iPhone and have been using it to jot down just a line or two at the end of each day about what I'm grateful for.  So far, it's been a great addition.

 Do you practice gratitude regularly?

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I'm currently working to figure out The Mystery of the Disappearing Comment Link.  Until then, if you'd like to comment on this post, just click on the post title.  It'll take you to the posts' individual page and you can comment at the bottom.