A year ago, I was drowning. I was drowning in my own lack of self-worth, my need for approval, my fear of disappointing the people I cared about. I was desperate for something, anything, that would get me out of the situation I found myself in and, though I knew it, I was too afraid to act on the fact that all I needed was some courage. I was spending my time doing something that made a toxic mess of my days. I was zoning out on TV whenever I could just so I could sit and stare off into space and not have to actively participate in my own life. I was pulling away from people, going inward, and wondering how I got there in the first place.
When I go back to those first Joy Juice prompts from a year ago, my intention was clear: I intended to suffer through every hour as the responsible, stable, dutiful girlfriend/daughter/sister/employee rather than step up and take charge of my life.
This is one of the reasons I love Stratejoy so much. Because at the near-lowest I thought I could go, this positive corner of the internet helped me to realize that I wasn't alone, that this wasn't a new feeling, that other young women were experiencing exactly what I was experiencing, and they were making changes. I realized that it was possible to change without my family, my relationship, my reputation, the world falling apart all around me.
Fast-forward to today. I can barely think of a single toxic thing in my life right now. True, I don't have a job, but my days are filled with so much, and that so much is so right, that I find it hard to complain sometimes. I've found a passion I didn't know I had, made wonderful new friends when I thought I had no idea how to even make friends, and I'm exploring creativity in ways I've always wanted to. I'm concentrating on my health -- all aspects of it -- and I'm giving attention to Nate and the community we've built together. What's even better is seeing how my choices have changed, how the primary questions I ask myself now when faced with difficult decisions (like whether or not to apply for a job or take an unpaid internship or invest my time and energy into something) aren't, "How will this look? What will so-and-so think of me?" but rather, "Is this right for me? Is this who I am or want to be? Will this make me happy?"
My intention in this new year was to live a fearlessly authentic life, and I think I'm living up to that well so far.
But I think there's an even greater lesson I've learned from this year of change and reacquainting myself with authenticity, and that's to accept where I've been. I was ashamed for a long time about the person I was and the choices I made in the past few years. I thought it showed how weak or flighty or foolish or stubborn (yes, I realize flighty and stubborn are somewhat contradictory) I was. But I'm just not sure I think that anymore. Without those moments, those choices, would I have ever gotten to where I am now? Would I be moving in the right direction today if I hadn't gotten so turned around back then? Who can really say?
Isn't it just better to acknowledge -- and maybe even celebrate -- the path that lead you to where you are? Who are we to question the universe?
[Photo source: quote from http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/]
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