We all probably know what it's like to go on job interviews. It's one giant nerve-wracking, anxiety-ridden, self-confidence killing some odd hours, no matter how often you're told to think of it "like you're interviewing them." Because that bullshit? It doesn't work.
In the best cases, you love the place you're interviewing with. The people are phenomenal, the job sounds even better in person than it does on paper, and you're pretty sure you've got this one in the bag because, come on, you're super friggin' qualified for it. If this has been your experience, leave now because I think I hate you. (Okay, you don't have to leave, but you do have to go sit in the corner quietly where I can't see or hear you.)
In the worst cases (and hint hint, this post is really about the worst cases), you wonder why you even showed up -- to like, LIFE -- to begin with. You get there, and you know right away that this wouldn't be your ideal working environment. It's quiet, no chatter, not a whole lot of natural light. And where the heck is everyone? You can't help comparing it to other places that have seemed more...you. But then you think, whatever, the work is amazing -- truly, truly amazing -- so you'll deal. Plus, think of the income! The health care! The gym membership! In your head, you've already pictured those things as yours. You've gone down this dangerous road a million times in the last week and now it's too late to stop it. Your hopes are up, and it's a long way down from here.
So there you are, sitting in an empty waiting room reading last years annual report while the previous interview wraps up, and you realize that that interview has gone over the allotted time. In your now-rattled mind, this must mean that interview is going swimmingly. They must love this person. You picture the interviewers laughing and listening intently, inspired by what your competition is saying, thinking that all the rest of the interviews are pointless because this person is it. This makes your hands sweat a little bit, which is gross. No one wants to shake hands with sweaty girl. You wipe them off on the pant legs of the partial suit you're wearing, and you're reminded of how much you don't want to work at a place that requires pant suits. Ever.
And then you're up. You walk in, and there are three people in the conference room you're interviewing in. And while they're seated casually around a glossy wood table, you're not fooled, you recognize a firing squad when you see one. So it begins. Hi, how are you. Why don't we tell you more about the position. Their intelligence is intimidating. Your youth -- or maybe just the fact that, for a 28 year old, you look 16 -- makes you feel at a disadvantage already. They've done so much! They're world-renowned, well-traveled, published, seasoned vets in an arena you've only started to dip your toes in! Then they want to know more about you. Why do you feel singularly qualified for this position? What will you bring to this work? What have you done in your [short, limited] career that has prepared you for the rigors of this job and field? You answer, but the words don't sound right to your ears. You sound unsure of yourself, like you're trying to persuade them. You try to reign yourself in, to tell yourself to just be you. But you're asked questions you didn't anticipate. The job requires qualifications you don't have. You find yourself stuttering over and over, "I'm sorry, I don't have any experience with that," and "No, I've never worked on this sort of thing before." It's misstep after misstep until finally, one of the interviewers takes pity on you. They look over your cover letter once more, then look up and smile. They say some nice things, trying to either bolster your confidence or remind you of your own damn work experience. And you realize that this, this hail Mary life raft, maybe worse than if they'd just let you flounder, because now you really know you're screwed.
At a certain point, it becomes funny. You start picturing what it would look like if you ran screaming from the room, arms flailing, heels clapping over the linoleum floor, hair -- which was once perfectly coiffed -- in mad disarray. You wonder briefly if the endless hour of questions you couldn't answer has made you hysterical, or if it's just a byproduct of your self-esteem bottoming out.
Eventually, it ends. You shake hands with the firing squad, realizing dimly that this interview was significantly shorter than the last (the one that ran over as you waited in the lobby), and that they're trying to let you leave almost as quickly as you're trying to get out of there. They were nice people, nicer still because of the warm smiles they give you as you're led out. This makes you wonder if it's obvious how badly you want to laugh maniacally just to make sure you don't start crying. You feel stupid. You feel incompetent. You feel embarrassed, which is probably worst of all.
But then you get out in the fresh air. You take a deep breath, text your boyfriend to say that you've got one hell of a story for him, and check your watch to make sure you're not going to be late getting back to your part-time job. You square your shoulders, tell yourself that you'll get one good cry later tonight with a bottle of wine, and smile.
It was probably the worst interview of your life. But things can only go up from here, right?
Showing posts with label Unemployed Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Unemployed Life. Show all posts
Monday, October 15, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
[Unemployed Life]: Dealing with Wants
Over the past week or so, I've been struggling a lot with being semi-unemployed in the face of the things I want. This is probably the most frequent reoccurring problem I face and has the ability to get me down and put me in moods I'd rather not be in because they're just not productive.
And the truth is that I've come a long way in some respects. I used to shop -- like, seriously shop -- when I had no money to do it. If I saw something I liked, I'd somehow manage to rationalize the purchase regardless of what it cost or what I had in my bank account. I shopped for therapy; I shopped to kill boredom; I shopped to make myself feel better about my body; I shopped to purchase things for others so they knew how much they meant to me. But I'm happy to say that things have changed. I'm hyper aware of my spending these days. I rarely ever go into clothing stores because I can't afford to buy anything and I don't want to tempt or frustrate myself. I analyze then over-analyze almost all my purchases to make sure I really, really want whatever I'm buying. I'm better at saying No to myself.
But this doesn't meant that the wanting goes away. Just because I've trained myself to say No doesn't mean I don't always want to first say Yes. I want new running and hiking shoes; I want to buy a few tops from Anthropologie; I want to get a hair cut and a massage; I want[ed] to buy tickets to Jack's Mannequin's final show in L.A.; I want to take a few creative writing and grammar classes; I want more books; I want to get my dog to a trainer; I want to buy my ticket home for Christmas; I want a facial; I want to go back up to Seattle in the Fall; I want, I want, I want...
But, for now, the answer has to be and always is...no.
So when I start to get frustrated and discouraged about my situation, when I start to get down on myself about any number of things I feel like I should be able to change about the way things are right now, I try my best to get my brain moving in another direction fast. In the past, I've updated my Christmas wishlist. It sounds stupid, but this makes me feel so much better. Something about knowing that there's a slight possibility that I'll get what I want in a few months makes it seem more okay. Plus, the who wishlist process has taught me the value of thinking things over before purchasing, since half of the time I go back and delete things I thought I wanted more than life itself a few weeks after adding it to the list anyway.
I also try to do something I really love that doesn't cost any money. In my case, what I love (long car drives into the country) costs no money other than gas. But doing this simple thing makes me feel so much better. These drives have been my go-to stress reliever for years now, and they never fail to make me feel better, no matter what's going on in my life. They're my time for quiet reflection, for space, for breathing room.
And, because I'm a planner, I also tend to prioritize and plan my way through the sads. I mean, let's be real here: I don't really need new clothes, a concert ticket, or pampering. Those things would be a waste of my limited funds in the long run. The things I do really need are new shoes and a plane ticket home. So those are the things I'm going to concentrate all my meager income on getting. Going through my list of Wants and really asking myself, "How much do you need this?" has been one of my best strategies for getting over my mood [and myself] lately.
Finally, I make some serious effort to refocus my energies and turn a shitty situation into a productive one. Last week, for example, I really wanted a massage and facial after the stress of dealing with back issues for three weeks. I mean, I was willing to give you a kidney for an hour at a spa. It was that serious. But let's face it, those things don't come cheap and there was no way I could rationalize it. It just couldn't be helped. So instead, I tried to refocus my energies. I read a few blogs that I know usually inspire me to be creative, and I began writing (free!). I also re-read some books that are seriously addicting and I knew would get my mind off of my frustrations (free!). It takes effort to refocus, but it's a great way to redirect all that energy to a place where it can be useful.
These aren't fail-proof (I mean, what is?), and they don't always help me. But they've worked enough times in the past that I'm willing to continue trying them in the future. After all, I'm feeling better this week than I was last week, and I've literally gone through and practiced each of these strategies to pull myself out of the crapper of a mood I was in. Do I have any of the things on my list now? No.
Do I still want most of them? Not really.
And the truth is that I've come a long way in some respects. I used to shop -- like, seriously shop -- when I had no money to do it. If I saw something I liked, I'd somehow manage to rationalize the purchase regardless of what it cost or what I had in my bank account. I shopped for therapy; I shopped to kill boredom; I shopped to make myself feel better about my body; I shopped to purchase things for others so they knew how much they meant to me. But I'm happy to say that things have changed. I'm hyper aware of my spending these days. I rarely ever go into clothing stores because I can't afford to buy anything and I don't want to tempt or frustrate myself. I analyze then over-analyze almost all my purchases to make sure I really, really want whatever I'm buying. I'm better at saying No to myself.
But this doesn't meant that the wanting goes away. Just because I've trained myself to say No doesn't mean I don't always want to first say Yes. I want new running and hiking shoes; I want to buy a few tops from Anthropologie; I want to get a hair cut and a massage; I want[ed] to buy tickets to Jack's Mannequin's final show in L.A.; I want to take a few creative writing and grammar classes; I want more books; I want to get my dog to a trainer; I want to buy my ticket home for Christmas; I want a facial; I want to go back up to Seattle in the Fall; I want, I want, I want...
But, for now, the answer has to be and always is...no.
So when I start to get frustrated and discouraged about my situation, when I start to get down on myself about any number of things I feel like I should be able to change about the way things are right now, I try my best to get my brain moving in another direction fast. In the past, I've updated my Christmas wishlist. It sounds stupid, but this makes me feel so much better. Something about knowing that there's a slight possibility that I'll get what I want in a few months makes it seem more okay. Plus, the who wishlist process has taught me the value of thinking things over before purchasing, since half of the time I go back and delete things I thought I wanted more than life itself a few weeks after adding it to the list anyway.
I also try to do something I really love that doesn't cost any money. In my case, what I love (long car drives into the country) costs no money other than gas. But doing this simple thing makes me feel so much better. These drives have been my go-to stress reliever for years now, and they never fail to make me feel better, no matter what's going on in my life. They're my time for quiet reflection, for space, for breathing room.
And, because I'm a planner, I also tend to prioritize and plan my way through the sads. I mean, let's be real here: I don't really need new clothes, a concert ticket, or pampering. Those things would be a waste of my limited funds in the long run. The things I do really need are new shoes and a plane ticket home. So those are the things I'm going to concentrate all my meager income on getting. Going through my list of Wants and really asking myself, "How much do you need this?" has been one of my best strategies for getting over my mood [and myself] lately.
Finally, I make some serious effort to refocus my energies and turn a shitty situation into a productive one. Last week, for example, I really wanted a massage and facial after the stress of dealing with back issues for three weeks. I mean, I was willing to give you a kidney for an hour at a spa. It was that serious. But let's face it, those things don't come cheap and there was no way I could rationalize it. It just couldn't be helped. So instead, I tried to refocus my energies. I read a few blogs that I know usually inspire me to be creative, and I began writing (free!). I also re-read some books that are seriously addicting and I knew would get my mind off of my frustrations (free!). It takes effort to refocus, but it's a great way to redirect all that energy to a place where it can be useful.
These aren't fail-proof (I mean, what is?), and they don't always help me. But they've worked enough times in the past that I'm willing to continue trying them in the future. After all, I'm feeling better this week than I was last week, and I've literally gone through and practiced each of these strategies to pull myself out of the crapper of a mood I was in. Do I have any of the things on my list now? No.
Do I still want most of them? Not really.
Friday, September 14, 2012
[Unemployed Life]: The Benefits of Busy
"You are the busiest unemployed person I know."
I can't tell you how often I've heard this. From my boyfriend, my friends, my parents, my chiropractor...
To them, I know it must seem like I'm constantly running around. I'm at my awesome internship. I'm at my part-time job. I'm meeting a friend for a writing session at a cafe. I'm having girls night. I'm going out of town for a wedding. I'm going camping. I'm going on a hike this weekend. I'm having a meeting about some consultant work. I'm editing someone's e-book for publication. I'm jumping on an online tele-seminar. I have a workshop to go to in the city. I'm meeting friends at a coffee shop for a collective job-hunting session. I'm meeting my research professor for lunch. I'm seeing a friend who's in town for the weekend. I have a doctor's appointment. I have errands to run. I have a call about some copyediting I'm going to be doing. I'm going to happy hour (where I won't drink because I don't have the money, and I don't really drink anyway). I'm baking cookies for a bake-sale...
"Busy" seems to be my default setting these days. And there's definitely something to be said about not letting your life be consumed by "busy-ness" so much that you forget to see and enjoy where and who you are in the moment.
But let's be real. I've been mostly unemployed for about 15 months now. That's a long while to spend without a set place to be and thing to do from the hours of 9-5 each day. If I didn't fill my life with busy, I can almost guarantee that I'd go not-so-quietly crazy in the span of a week.
Being busy helps me to stay sane. It helps me to be productive with all this time that, if left to my own non-busy defenses, would otherwise be wasted. And most of all, busy helps me to feel useful. It helps me to not feel like I've failed at something.
So here are some of the things that have helped me to continue being/feeling busy and useful while I've been sans job:
Wake up at a self-respectable hour. This is pretty self-explanatory. Nobody likes to feel like a lazy ass and, whether you like it or not, that's probably how you're gonna feel if you're rolling out of bed at 1pm everyday. I generally set my alarm for 7:50 in the morning, and actually get myself going at around 8:20am. That way, by 9am I'm halfway through my workout, or at my desk firing up my computer, or heading out the door to a coffee shop, ready to go. When I first began forcing myself to get up in the morning I couldn't believe how many hours in the day there were to actually get shit done. It was revolutionary.
Brush your teeth, dammit. The best and fastest way for me to kill both my mood and my day is to stay in sweatpants.* Being in sweats, hair all haphazard, face maybe washed, teeth hopefully brushed but I make no promises...These are the killers of my productivity. It pretty much guarantees that I'll be in bed, snacking on chips, reorganzing my Pinterest boards until Nate gets home that evening. Cause that's just the kind of girl I am. So instead, I get dressed. I put on actual pants, brush my hair and put on some basic make-up, and choose a great pair of earrings (because earrings are my power accessory, obv).
*Fridays are the exception, guys. Yoga pants all day long.
Schedule your days out. Much like I did over outlook when I had a full-time job, I try to schedule out every hour of a typical "work day." I usually do this on Sunday nights or Monday mornings, and when I say I schedule things, I mean ALL THE THINGS. I schedule out lunch breaks, exercise, dog walking, phone calls, reminders, errands, EVERYTHING. This helps because I'm terrified of missing deadlines (cough*brown-noser*cough), so I'll do everything that's in that calendar. I also take the first ten minutes or so of the day and, looking at my calendar, write out a to-do list. This is redundant, and is pretty much just so I have an excuse to cross things off a list.
Find someplace to give your time. These are my current commitments: My internship. My part-time job. My consultant work. My volunteer work for Stratejoy. And my position as a Board Member for an organization. I'm also considering volunteering with another nonprofit and as a campaigner this election cycle. And while none of these positions (as they are currently) will sustain me in the long-run the way a full-time job would, I take them because the two worst things I could do to myself right now is: 1) Not have anything to do all day, and 2) Leave a huge, gaping hole in my resume for the months (years?) between jobs. These positions also all help to grow skills I'm looking to cultivate in myself, and to network.
Dedicate actual hours to YOU. I can't count the number of times when I had a full-time job and said, "I wish I had more time to do xyz," or "I would do that if I had more time." Well, I'm unemployed now and have no excuse. I refuse to live my life just saying "I wish" when I'm in a position to act on those wishes. So that's why I spend some time doing things I love and exploring things I think I may love. Like copyediting classes. I totally take those. And writing dates with a friend? We have those too. I read for both pleasure and research. I blog more. I hike more. I spend more time with my friends scheming things we're going to try once we have the money (like rock climbing). I'm exploring vegetarian cooking. I'm re-learning to play the piano (and eventually the violin). And I'm definitely spending more time on my relationships. This is all part of the self-care thing I mentioned earlier this week. It's a practice, and it's meant to be done daily.
Finally, I think the thing I try to do the most of everyday is job hunt. I know this one sounds less fun than maybe the others did [if you're me and think things like calendars and to-do lists are super fun], but the point of my becoming unemployed was two-fold: So that I could find myself and my direction again, and also so that I could find a job that was better suited for me. I think I've been a rockstar at spending time discovering this new path I'm on, but I also have to be practical. I need full-time work. The only way I'll get full-time work is to set aside time to look for it.
So I put that into my busy schedule too.
I can't tell you how often I've heard this. From my boyfriend, my friends, my parents, my chiropractor...
To them, I know it must seem like I'm constantly running around. I'm at my awesome internship. I'm at my part-time job. I'm meeting a friend for a writing session at a cafe. I'm having girls night. I'm going out of town for a wedding. I'm going camping. I'm going on a hike this weekend. I'm having a meeting about some consultant work. I'm editing someone's e-book for publication. I'm jumping on an online tele-seminar. I have a workshop to go to in the city. I'm meeting friends at a coffee shop for a collective job-hunting session. I'm meeting my research professor for lunch. I'm seeing a friend who's in town for the weekend. I have a doctor's appointment. I have errands to run. I have a call about some copyediting I'm going to be doing. I'm going to happy hour (where I won't drink because I don't have the money, and I don't really drink anyway). I'm baking cookies for a bake-sale...
"Busy" seems to be my default setting these days. And there's definitely something to be said about not letting your life be consumed by "busy-ness" so much that you forget to see and enjoy where and who you are in the moment.
But let's be real. I've been mostly unemployed for about 15 months now. That's a long while to spend without a set place to be and thing to do from the hours of 9-5 each day. If I didn't fill my life with busy, I can almost guarantee that I'd go not-so-quietly crazy in the span of a week.
Being busy helps me to stay sane. It helps me to be productive with all this time that, if left to my own non-busy defenses, would otherwise be wasted. And most of all, busy helps me to feel useful. It helps me to not feel like I've failed at something.
So here are some of the things that have helped me to continue being/feeling busy and useful while I've been sans job:
Wake up at a self-respectable hour. This is pretty self-explanatory. Nobody likes to feel like a lazy ass and, whether you like it or not, that's probably how you're gonna feel if you're rolling out of bed at 1pm everyday. I generally set my alarm for 7:50 in the morning, and actually get myself going at around 8:20am. That way, by 9am I'm halfway through my workout, or at my desk firing up my computer, or heading out the door to a coffee shop, ready to go. When I first began forcing myself to get up in the morning I couldn't believe how many hours in the day there were to actually get shit done. It was revolutionary.
Brush your teeth, dammit. The best and fastest way for me to kill both my mood and my day is to stay in sweatpants.* Being in sweats, hair all haphazard, face maybe washed, teeth hopefully brushed but I make no promises...These are the killers of my productivity. It pretty much guarantees that I'll be in bed, snacking on chips, reorganzing my Pinterest boards until Nate gets home that evening. Cause that's just the kind of girl I am. So instead, I get dressed. I put on actual pants, brush my hair and put on some basic make-up, and choose a great pair of earrings (because earrings are my power accessory, obv).
*Fridays are the exception, guys. Yoga pants all day long.
Schedule your days out. Much like I did over outlook when I had a full-time job, I try to schedule out every hour of a typical "work day." I usually do this on Sunday nights or Monday mornings, and when I say I schedule things, I mean ALL THE THINGS. I schedule out lunch breaks, exercise, dog walking, phone calls, reminders, errands, EVERYTHING. This helps because I'm terrified of missing deadlines (cough*brown-noser*cough), so I'll do everything that's in that calendar. I also take the first ten minutes or so of the day and, looking at my calendar, write out a to-do list. This is redundant, and is pretty much just so I have an excuse to cross things off a list.
Find someplace to give your time. These are my current commitments: My internship. My part-time job. My consultant work. My volunteer work for Stratejoy. And my position as a Board Member for an organization. I'm also considering volunteering with another nonprofit and as a campaigner this election cycle. And while none of these positions (as they are currently) will sustain me in the long-run the way a full-time job would, I take them because the two worst things I could do to myself right now is: 1) Not have anything to do all day, and 2) Leave a huge, gaping hole in my resume for the months (years?) between jobs. These positions also all help to grow skills I'm looking to cultivate in myself, and to network.
Dedicate actual hours to YOU. I can't count the number of times when I had a full-time job and said, "I wish I had more time to do xyz," or "I would do that if I had more time." Well, I'm unemployed now and have no excuse. I refuse to live my life just saying "I wish" when I'm in a position to act on those wishes. So that's why I spend some time doing things I love and exploring things I think I may love. Like copyediting classes. I totally take those. And writing dates with a friend? We have those too. I read for both pleasure and research. I blog more. I hike more. I spend more time with my friends scheming things we're going to try once we have the money (like rock climbing). I'm exploring vegetarian cooking. I'm re-learning to play the piano (and eventually the violin). And I'm definitely spending more time on my relationships. This is all part of the self-care thing I mentioned earlier this week. It's a practice, and it's meant to be done daily.
Finally, I think the thing I try to do the most of everyday is job hunt. I know this one sounds less fun than maybe the others did [if you're me and think things like calendars and to-do lists are super fun], but the point of my becoming unemployed was two-fold: So that I could find myself and my direction again, and also so that I could find a job that was better suited for me. I think I've been a rockstar at spending time discovering this new path I'm on, but I also have to be practical. I need full-time work. The only way I'll get full-time work is to set aside time to look for it.
So I put that into my busy schedule too.
Friday, August 31, 2012
[Unemployed Life]: The Truth Comes Out Eventually
While I know I've mentioned it a few times before, I don't really talk too much about being unemployed on this blog. If you trace your way through the archives, I'm sure you'll find the word unemployed said in passing on more than one occasion, but you won't find the full story behind that word. I started this version of this blog months after I quit my previous job, so many of you probably don't even know the story behind the full story. I think I've been quiet about it for a few reasons: embarrassment, and a desire not to pollute this blog with negativity.
But here's the thing: I'm not really all that embarrassed, and this experience has been almost anything but a negative one.
So I've decided to break my semi-silence and be as honest as I can about this whole unemployment biz.
I guess that starts with giving you the full story.
Three years ago, I graduated from law school with a JD I didn't really want to use, an upcoming bar exam that I didn't really want to take, and no idea where I really wanted to go from there. I took the bar, didn't pass, and spiraled into my quarterlife crisis.
Nate and I had just gotten our own apartment and adopted the cutest dog on planet earth, and the expenses were rolling in while I was rolling in uncertainty. I began looking for work and applying for anything I could find in the immediate area. That was my first mistake. Eventually, three months into freaking-the-fuck-out, I got an interview at a nonprofit that would hire me to do a job I was completely overqualified for and pay me a fraction of what my JD is actually worth. Despite feelings of unease and reservation, I took the job. That was my second mistake -- not trusting my gut/guide/inner-smarty-pants.
I spent a year and a half there (my third and final mistake), working for someone who, while a great visionary man, wasn't the best at managing a staff. I was good at what I did, I didn't shirk my responsibilities, and I always kept a positive and professional attitude in the office. But I was also overworked, under-compensated, held to near-impossible expectations and just plain old unhappy. I'd cry before work in the morning. I'd try to figure out ways to contract non-fatal diseases so I could get out of work trips. I'd take my work home, on vacation, and out to dinner with me. I was unable to separate it, to compartmentalize this now-toxic part of my life. So much of this was, I now realize, on me and not the job or my boss. But it still needed to change.
My self-esteem was shot. My mood was in the dumps. My relationship with Nate began to suffer. I was anxiety-ridden. I felt like there was no way out. I knew this feeling. I'd been there -- for other reasons -- before. I was depressed.
So I got out.
I cried when I told my boss I was quitting. The conflicting emotions -- guilt, relief, terror, uncertainty -- it was all too much. After all, I was giving up a steady paycheck in the middle of a recession -- who knew when I would get hired again? Nate and I had talked, and my quitting meant we needed to leave the apartment we loved and move in with his mother. We just couldn't afford our place on one salary. So while I knew I was making the right choice for me, for my health and hopefully for some future career I couldn't yet see -- I felt like I was failing him.
But once we were resettled, once things quieted down and I was far enough away from the bad choices I had made once upon a time...things began looking up. And when I say they looked up, I mean they looked WAY UP.
I took an internship at an organization that worked in one of my passion areas (it was unpaid, which just goes to show you how much I wanted it). I started taking some long, hard looks at my health. I re-prioritized my relationship with Nate. I made new friends that are so freaking supportive of my dreams that I wonder how I got by without them. I learned that there are places out there that really do respect the work/life balance. I began recognizing other passion areas, and taking steps to explore them, you know, just to see. I found my back-bone, my hard limits and my desire to just be happy.
For now, I take work opportunities -- as a project manager, as a legal researcher, as a writing/editing consultant -- as they come, and on a case-by-case basis. Being with a partner who supports me both financially and emotionally gives me the luxury of doing this, of holding out and searching long and hard for the type of work that will light me up. It gives me the luxury of looking at opportunities and asking: Does this work have anything to do with my Big Dreams? How will it effect other areas of my life? Will it build skills that I need to work toward my Big Dreams? If not, then do I need the money enough to settle?
So when I say that unemployment is not embarrassing, and when I say that it hasn't been all that negative of an experience, that isn't to say that it hasn't been a struggle. It has. It is. All growing experiences are a struggle.
I'm going to continue sharing this particular growing experience with you as part of a new series on this blog called, Unemployed Life. It'll be the good, the bad and the practical of my attempts at finding work that fits into my life while still managing to live my life in a positive way.
No more hiding.
But here's the thing: I'm not really all that embarrassed, and this experience has been almost anything but a negative one.
So I've decided to break my semi-silence and be as honest as I can about this whole unemployment biz.
I guess that starts with giving you the full story.
Three years ago, I graduated from law school with a JD I didn't really want to use, an upcoming bar exam that I didn't really want to take, and no idea where I really wanted to go from there. I took the bar, didn't pass, and spiraled into my quarterlife crisis.
Nate and I had just gotten our own apartment and adopted the cutest dog on planet earth, and the expenses were rolling in while I was rolling in uncertainty. I began looking for work and applying for anything I could find in the immediate area. That was my first mistake. Eventually, three months into freaking-the-fuck-out, I got an interview at a nonprofit that would hire me to do a job I was completely overqualified for and pay me a fraction of what my JD is actually worth. Despite feelings of unease and reservation, I took the job. That was my second mistake -- not trusting my gut/guide/inner-smarty-pants.
I spent a year and a half there (my third and final mistake), working for someone who, while a great visionary man, wasn't the best at managing a staff. I was good at what I did, I didn't shirk my responsibilities, and I always kept a positive and professional attitude in the office. But I was also overworked, under-compensated, held to near-impossible expectations and just plain old unhappy. I'd cry before work in the morning. I'd try to figure out ways to contract non-fatal diseases so I could get out of work trips. I'd take my work home, on vacation, and out to dinner with me. I was unable to separate it, to compartmentalize this now-toxic part of my life. So much of this was, I now realize, on me and not the job or my boss. But it still needed to change.
My self-esteem was shot. My mood was in the dumps. My relationship with Nate began to suffer. I was anxiety-ridden. I felt like there was no way out. I knew this feeling. I'd been there -- for other reasons -- before. I was depressed.
So I got out.
I cried when I told my boss I was quitting. The conflicting emotions -- guilt, relief, terror, uncertainty -- it was all too much. After all, I was giving up a steady paycheck in the middle of a recession -- who knew when I would get hired again? Nate and I had talked, and my quitting meant we needed to leave the apartment we loved and move in with his mother. We just couldn't afford our place on one salary. So while I knew I was making the right choice for me, for my health and hopefully for some future career I couldn't yet see -- I felt like I was failing him.
But once we were resettled, once things quieted down and I was far enough away from the bad choices I had made once upon a time...things began looking up. And when I say they looked up, I mean they looked WAY UP.
I took an internship at an organization that worked in one of my passion areas (it was unpaid, which just goes to show you how much I wanted it). I started taking some long, hard looks at my health. I re-prioritized my relationship with Nate. I made new friends that are so freaking supportive of my dreams that I wonder how I got by without them. I learned that there are places out there that really do respect the work/life balance. I began recognizing other passion areas, and taking steps to explore them, you know, just to see. I found my back-bone, my hard limits and my desire to just be happy.
For now, I take work opportunities -- as a project manager, as a legal researcher, as a writing/editing consultant -- as they come, and on a case-by-case basis. Being with a partner who supports me both financially and emotionally gives me the luxury of doing this, of holding out and searching long and hard for the type of work that will light me up. It gives me the luxury of looking at opportunities and asking: Does this work have anything to do with my Big Dreams? How will it effect other areas of my life? Will it build skills that I need to work toward my Big Dreams? If not, then do I need the money enough to settle?
So when I say that unemployment is not embarrassing, and when I say that it hasn't been all that negative of an experience, that isn't to say that it hasn't been a struggle. It has. It is. All growing experiences are a struggle.
I'm going to continue sharing this particular growing experience with you as part of a new series on this blog called, Unemployed Life. It'll be the good, the bad and the practical of my attempts at finding work that fits into my life while still managing to live my life in a positive way.
No more hiding.
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